Real Smoke

I got sick two days ago.
The next day I was in good mood and mind, only health suffered.
I worked that day, as usual. I think I may have spread the virus.
Today I felt sicker and coughed more often. I called my office, and asked my co-worker who answered if I should avoid work because I was coughing but could still think. He said yes so I wouldn't spread the virus, and I agreed. I had considered going to work before that, out of work-ethic.
I realized since I felt good in mind, I had the whole day to myself -- I decided not to meet anyone I knew to avoid the passing of the sickness. I ate vitamins, drank water, stretched slightly, extensively flossed my teeth (over 3 hours ago and my sore gums are still causing nerve pain).
I debated smoking, since I had been coughing. Deciding that since I was breathing fine, and I had spent a LONG time idling, I should smoke.
I smoked, and found my way taking a bus to a mall (broadway shopping centre).
I bypassed three or four entrances until I found the one I remembered.
I went up, through the medical section (would i look like a fag for walking away from the food/thai/pide court and entering through the skin health sector? i didn't care as i was determined to reach the bookstore).
I was pleasantly reminded that by the third escalator up I would be going through into the bookstore. I looked in front of me -- some fictional, emotionally thought sounding book. I walked over to it then and, Socialism is Great.
I took the book and searched for a chair. I found a bench with an uncomfortable, head-placed wooden beam behind. Sitting straight would be uncomfortable! I had to manage my hair, back pain as I read the book.
It was fascinating.
Written as an autobiography, it has a cartoon-like picture of a woman in a red suit holding two sheep, smiling with rosy cheeks and a big wide face and short hair in a sun-lit plant field. Inside there is a saying about a frog who lives in a well. The frog invites the turtle from the Eastern Sea to visit him, complaining that the turtle does not visit often.
The frog tells the Turtle a bunch of facts about his well, including how he splashes, the presence of a rock to sit on, the firmness of the mud to support him, and how has looked around and known himself as being better off than the tadpoles or any other bug.
He invites the Turtle in and the Turtle dips his rear right leg in, then pulls back, realizing the well is too small. The Turtle then tells the Frog that he is from the eastern sea, which is bigger then a thousand li. The Turtle tells the frog when there was a drought, the sea did not diminish, when there were flood, the sea was not added too. The Turtle tells the frog the sea is eternal and incredible.
Upon hearing this, the frog is very suprised. Then he was very sad for a long time.

I then found the graphic novel of Franz Kafka's THE TRIAL.
There were many drawings of skeletons saying emotions (like hearts) and sometimes word, in the side panels.
At the end of the Trial, the main character is explained the story of the Door of the Law.
In the Door of the Law story, the main character is brought to a door where a guardian argues against him entering, supports the man's attempts to try everything (I think feel hopeless) and supports him by providing a stool to sit on. The guardian explains to the man that if he made it through, infinitely more guardians, all more powerful than him, would be waiting implying that the man would never reach The Law.
The man falls old, and asks the guardian why no other person has come to the door in order to go through the door.. the guardian says the door could not be entered, and that it was made entirely and only for him. The man then dies.
Now, back in THE TRIAL story: {the main character} His enemy, one of the law leaders, tells him that the correct understanding of the truth/a circumstance and the misunderstanding of a situation are not mutually exclusive.
The main character shouts triumphantly "That's a lie!"
The legal leader tells the man that weather he is guilty or not, the Law accepts him when he enters and discards him when he leaves.
The main character decides to leave the law and the court system instead of seeking to prove his innocence.
Slightly less then one year later, on his birthday, two men come to his home and grab him, silently.
They take him to a quarry where skeletons are.
They prevent his efforts to leave.
The man's will is drained:
The two men sit the man down and pass a knife over him. The man feels he should grab it and kill himself but he has lost interest and action-will-force-power-consciousness.
The two men then stab him, and a skeleton screams HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I like this story.
I walked to a fruit smoothe shop and ordered one with additional healthy vitamins and chemicals inside it.
I stood at a railing, looking down. Then I realized!: You only endure the worlds you enter.
I thought of how I didn't endure in many different worlds, realised I endured a world at work because I entered it, then saw people with clothes on and thought of people making the best of their world. I thought I was making the best of my world by wearing the jacket I had -- one given to me by my biological father. It didn't seem to have any ideology attached to it, and I use it for a function that stores items in the sides, taking weight off my sides.
I realized I was taking advantage of my situation -- and I had no control over the default situation!
This disturbed me.
I then thought I should avoid these disturbing thoughts AND THEN I REALISED AVOIDING DISTURBANCE IS A WELL and thought of a statement "THE TRUTH DISTURBS" and knew I was disturbed because I did not know the light and the truth of the situation.
And so I felt I hated my lack of control, and I realise now rejecting the situation is refusing Life itself. And so I accept the situation, I accept that my dad gave me a jacket, I accept that I was born, I accept that my mind is smart, I accept that my body is mortal.
And so, real depression, is not-accepting life.
This is what I was hit with, and am understanding and curing even now.
I looked around: ego utility is accepting the worlds of others, and then enduring them.
I thought of work, and it seemed not silly or serious but a thing - I accepted my work and I endured it.
When I goet $40 out of an ATM I felt that working for work and grabbing money to be possessing financial ability is shallow and not worth living for.
I pulled the $40 out of my jacket pocket, interested how tightly I was holding on to the bills.
Now, money doesn't matter to the water which is my soul.
Now that money does not matter, what am I to do?
I began thinking about walking to work, then I remembered my body was sick and I had decided to avoid it.. and marveled at the world: of going to work.
I do not reject the work I have accepted, I know I can reject it at will.
I do not reject thet money which I have been paid, I accept it, and I no longer care for it as an end.
And my life is opening up now:
No more work
No more money
No more work day,
spend a day to myself.
What is myself, when the other worlds are gone?
I understand.
I am Free.